A scribble: whoa, I literally want guys to like me now

I was just thinking about sex with a guy again, and—suddenly—for the first time ever felt like I wanted to connect with a guy emotionally. Ask him what he feels, etc. 

Usually I don’t care, not in the same way I care about girls. I think it might have been because I had decided, somehow, that I’m literally not allowed to do that? That only girls are allowed to do that? Somewhere in the childhood. (But how did it happen?)


A weird relationship where somebody is simultaneously stronger than me and, privately, can be weaker than me and can want things from me and can depend on me—and I can enjoy this role.

I don’t know whether I can live this role in the daytime too, though. I probably can’t well, yet. I suspect that a lot of people have trouble with—how to behave in the daytime, in general, and how to play roles they want to play.

Playing roles is fun, and I want to play more of them.

I think I also get another thing now: I imagined dating a guy and thought “he’s not going to be open about what he feels, at all, is he”. That felt bad.

Seems like a much rarer thing for guys than for girls.

I just realized there’s a giant difference between initiating a kiss and responding to a kiss, when playing a feminine role. But more than that, if you’re asked “can I kiss you” and you say “yes”, this also feels like initiating.

Cf. Aella:

I personally find it pretty unsexy if a guy has to require verbal consent before kissing me or escalating. I understand why they have to do it but for me personally it's a turnoff and signals an inability to read my body language/lack of social skills.

— @Aella_Girl, Feb 3, 2020

Being give a warning in terms of eye contact, proximity, etc—that doesn’t count as initiating. But having to say “yes” does. I get this thing now.

I feel that now I can connect with a guy as a person (me being a person and him also being a person) instead of both of us being sex objects. And it feels nice to acknowledge that a guy can also be a person.

I don’t know why, but I shied away from it. I just always felt like I didn’t want to connect to guys—like they were enemies somehow, or not quite enemies, but just that they couldn’t connect to me either.

And now I’m not that afraid to have a relationship with a guy, anymore. I still don’t want to, but not afraid anymore.

I feel excited about this whole thing! Like, I can imagine actually asking a guy “what are you feeling” and wanting to hear the answer.