21-03-26: Powerless

I.

I feel powerless.

Specifically: there are many things that are easy to do and I know I won't do them. I get this feeling many times a day. It comes in flashes.

"Here's a bug in Brick and it is easy to fix and I know I won't fix it."
"I should send a time breakdown to a client and the task has been here for a month and I know it'll be here for another month."
"There's a light bulb missing and I should buy a new one and I know I won't."
"My shoes are dirty and I know I won't clean them. I will keep thinking this every day, and still I won't clean them."
"I want to go out now while it's still sunny, but I know I'll stay here and miss the sun."
"I want to write a post about X, but I am already writing a post about Y and I know I won't be able to make myself write the post later."

II.

I think it's an ADHD thing. I don't feel powerless when I'm on Ritalin. I just go ahead and do whatever I want to do.

I think that mostly the reason I don't do small things is that I know they will take time, and I don't want to lose time. Going out to get a light bulb will take an hour. I will spend some time wandering around, too, because I won't know where to buy the kind of light bulb I want. So it will be time-consuming and frustrating.

If I was on Ritalin, I'd just do things methodically. I'd sit down, find the "fancy light bulbs shop", take a tram/taxi there, get the light bulb, get back. I might also eat while I'm outside. I would enjoy the weather. It would be a nice trip.

When I'm not on Ritalin, the same thing is painful. I know I will get distracted during research. I know I will feel bad during research. I will think "why does it take an hour to get a light bulb". I will think "I will probably fail anyway, the fancy shop will be closed or something". I will go out and keep thinking about how bad it is that I am going to spend an hour just to buy a light bulb. I will be thinking about all the things I should be doing instead of buying the light bulb (like work). I will be feeling bad about failing at those things.

Life without Ritalin, or getting drunk, or having someone around, is painful unless I tune out, so I try not to do anything that wouldn't let me tune out. This is also probably why I'm refreshing Twitter all the time.

III.

21-03-21: Alright to just live talks about the feeling I want to have instead. The feeling of being okay with doing anything. Go buy a light bulb if I want to do it right now. Not because it's somehow the right thing to do, but just because I want to do it.

IV.

In the absence of the elusive feeling that could help me, I have other things that could work.

For example, I have a way to get myself to do things that works very well for me. I schedule a call with someone and ask them to hold my hand while I'm doing the thing. It happens once a week and so something annoying gets done once a week. I will be having calls like this more often.

It works for work-things, but not for light bulbs, because I can't call someone and ask to hold my hand while I'm buying a light bulb. I could do Twitter threads for tasks like that, but there is no commitment there.

Perhaps a coworking room could work, but they are like "everyone does their own thing". It doesn't work for me when everyone does their own thing. I need someone's attention to feel good about just living my life.

V.

"I need someone's attention to feel good about just living my life."

hmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm

Is this a thing that might get solved by the attachment theory and repair course?